A rather beautiful snake bite.

This universe is a very funny thing. It helps you with everything , BUT a little bit.
 I believe that if you really want something, you get it. The universe gives you everything if you just believe in it. But i wonder sometimes, why do we always get just the something of everything. Are we not even worth of everything or everything is just a sin; maybe a sin of greed.
Therefore, i call this universe a snake who is beautiful but bites which pains eventually.

Now that we all are bitten by this snake many times in our lives, we tend to not realise that it is actually a snake.

 I happen to be a blind believer of the universe and i always think positive, try to portray as if everything is positive. I aim to create my own destiny, if there is any destiny destined to be for everyone. Under the influence of all this, few people make fun of my thoughts; optimistic behaviour, few think that i am living in a fantasy or a fictional world and few others have joined hands with me.

I don't know where it is heading to, or if i am right or not. I am just suffering each day for now. Imagine yourself in a room full of cockroaches and a refrigerator full of chocolates. This is my situation. I am optimistic yet can't get rid of the negativity hovering around my head. And this negativity makes me believe that the universe is a snake which bites; and bites so hard that you don't realise the pain.

I can speak positive but i can't believe it to just come true like a miracle. Maybe that is what is missing. We all just worry too much. We have started making our lives miserable by worrying about everything and nothing. We are stressed all the time, even while sleeping. Even a dream makes me sick to the groin. How more miserable can it get?

I know the way out of this room full of chocolates and cockroaches. I need to move out of it because one can't remain satisfied or happy in a place where he can have chocolates in the presence of cockroaches. And yes, living life like this on a see-saw is hell. You ought to choose either the angel or the devil. You can't have both the positive and the negative. As I am baffled between these two, i feel like living with a snake bite which is beautiful.

I am aware of what i have to do. As i don't have the way out, i have to make one!

Self Doubt and Doubt That Shakes The Self

You are perfect. Your life is perfect. With a problem here and a problem there, you manage to settle with them and love your life as it is. You feel fabulous sometimes being single. No one is there to stop you from doing anything, no desires that you ought to fulfil, no restrictions,no rules. The most beautiful part of being single is that you don't care about anyone talking to anyone. You don't care if the person that you are talking to even each day is talking to other people as well. But then, you really don't have anybody which is tormenting enough which is why this happens:

Eves are not alone on this Earth. There are Adams to disrupt the lives of these free birds. In every Eve's life, there comes an Adam who gives her the apple of love, The apple that she was avoiding for a long time is finally given to her by the Adam that she is attracted to.

This is when we fall in love. A feeling which i am not eligible enough to explain. The life becomes more than beautiful after you get into a relationship with the one you love. This person makes you feel so deeply happy that you get addicted to this feeling. This is the most careless time of a relationship when all you do is think about this person you love ignoring all the other things. If you find a flaw, or two for that matter then, "it doesn't matter. He's a human, and humans make mistakes. No one is perfect."

With time, things start to bother you. His company, his lifestyle, his attitude towards things; all these things bother you. Above all of them, the people he talks to and upto what level he talks to them. Ethically it is not right to create a scene over these things, after all no one is perfect. remember!
But no, that is not possible. With love comes possessiveness. But with possessiveness doesn't come its acceptance. There are very few people out there who can handle a girl's possessiveness in complete terms.

I mentioned 'complete terms' because girls don't show that they are very possessive. They always think that the boy might get angry if she asks him to stop talking to this and that. In order to protect her relationship, she doesn't speak up her heart to him, which marks the beginning of 'self doubt' in her. She begins to think that she is not good enough for the guy and then her confidence over herself vanishes. All she sees in the mirror is flaw.. all big flaws.

Self doubt becomes worse when she sees him talking other girls or any girl whatsoever. Yes it makes no sense because this is a world with both genders and apart from the girlfriend, guys will have other friends who are girls. It should be acceptable, But then, psychologically it is not. Self doubt creates a situation where you start doubting the person who was supposed to be "perfect" for you. And this doubt shakes you to the core because you can't even talk about it to him for the fear of losing him,

I believe that ignoring it, not talking to him about it, makes it worse, If you believe in the person you love, you should have the confidence to talk to him about these things.

Huh! Easy said than done!
Even i can't achieve what i believe.

Inescapable Feelings And A Chance Of Getting Glued

What is the reason behind the messy, confusing, over-caring, possessive behaviour of girls,is a question that i ask myself frequently. Sometimes when i am free or i am feeling in a certain unexplainable manner, i sit myself down to contemplate on what is the issue behind my increasing insecurity or rather i would say, what is the issue behind some girls' increasing insecurity most of the time (not generalizing).

In a relationship or even friendship, in the beginning there is a lot of togetherness that you feel. Most of the time it's from both sides. Each one of you wants to stay with each other and spend most of your time with them, This phase, as accounted by most people, is the most beautiful phase of your life. It goes on for a good period of time, but when it begins to come to an end, one of us becomes more attached and more 'glued' to the other. Now if we just talk about the relationship, the girl starts getting emotional. ( don't consider that every girl is emotional, some are not, but only when this phase enters her life, she becomes emotional)
I wouldn't generalize here by saying that most girls get emotional during this time. In some relationship, it could be the boy. But it is rare.

The reason that personally i think behind this existence of this particular phase is that when everything is new, there is always a curiosity of the unknown. Along with this, there is a need,an insecurity and a sense of achievement in the beginning. You start feeling that you have achieved the unattainable. But the question is until when, does this feeling persists?

When this particular "good" phase comes to end, and the two of you don't accept it in a similar manner, one being too 'okay' with and the other being not too 'okay', then the real story begins.
That is the time to realize how much you actually love the other when you both are not talking all the time and clinging to each other almost all the time, That particularly, is the time to see if you can love a person as much with his other priorities as you did when you were his only priority.

I, certainly am not an expert of what the boys feel if they are the one with an emotional touch and a not too 'okay' attitude. But i am sure of what the girls feel.
They feel themselves literally 'glued' to the boy,and trust me it is not a pleasant feeling at all. It,in fact is a pathetic feeling to feel as if you are sticking to him too much. There comes a time when you lose the control over yourself that you always had. This is a time when the girl starts getting possessive, more insecure and messy. She doesn't like the guy to even hang with a friend who is a girl, which should be acceptable. And this is the reason why problems begin, because these are the feelings inescapable and inevitable. You know that you are getting glued, you know you are taking the freedom of the other and you also know that it is not right but then, yo are trapped.

Feelings and emotions are the traps you can't get out,no matter how hard you try. Above both of these, 'LOVE' is a trap which doesn't seem to be a trap, never feels like one, but is the most dangerous one. For the times that it makes you feel good, you forget the endless times when it makes you feel horrible. You know why?

Because 'love' is the most beautiful of the feelings undefinable even by god, and for that one moment of butterfly in your stomach, you can cry several of those lonely nights!

How much solitude does one require ?

So what is solitude? To be isolated completely or to remain in a place away from some specific people? Usually we take solitude as being isolated from some people and then getting back again when we are fine. Sometimes we are just too frustrated to stay among people and we need peace for which we carve for that particular time; often we mistake it for solitude.

I believe that we humans are very prone to clinging to each others. We need company all the time, no matter if we like the company we are into or not. We just need it. It is not a desire but a necessity. To even travel to a place very near by or a grocery shop for that matter, we tend to ask somebody to tag along. All the time we have this inevitable need of talking to someone which makes us cling to few such people whom we might despise otherwise, but because we don't have a variety of options we tend to stay with them. But the question is how pretentious is it possible for a human being to be? By staying in a friendship or relationship with people whose temperament and nature don't appeal us, are we raising the levels of pretensions in our basic nature?

 None of us can deny that we all are pretentious in some manner or the other. But how much is a question we never ask ourselves.

When i think about it on my personal front, i feel that i am just too pretentious. I pretend almost everything and when i don't, things get worse. So does that mean, we pretend because we are afraid of the worse of situations, ignorance above all? I believe that it is true to some extent as being a human i don't think there is anything that we do without a selfish purpose. Even helping someone inhabits in itself a selfish purpose of our own, may it be something materialistic or spiritualistic.

But what happens after we pretend? Human beings can tolerate things only to a certain extent but we stretch our limits usually to not let ourselves get isolated. 

My dilemma lies in the fact that in 21st century, are we searching for isolation in this big, huge populated world or we need company in a world where no one recognizes us? So many question marks are popping in my head. i can't get a significant answers as yet. Stuck in this world and with a psychology of a human being, i am contemplating upon things which bothers me when i feel ignored for no reason. Maybe confuse habit with ignorance. Maybe i am in a habit of something which is no more there and i think i am ignored. If that is so, i am happy because habits leave us as early as they stick to us. I guess then solitude is getting synonymous to peace and ignorance is getting synonymous to habit of being in a company. 

We don't actually need solitude, what we really need is the correct company. 

Colour obsession..

Okay, so this is like my first informal writing on blogger and I would like to make it very casual and light. As the title implies, I am going to talk about a certain kind of obsessive disorder in this blog today.

You must have heard about narcissistic personality which is also an obsession of a sort but then its more frequent and considered very self centered,"my wish" kind of implications are connected with it. Besides this, i have seen people being obsessed with a particular kind of song, sometimes even books ( to mention, I am one of them), clothes and yes, finally colours. It is very normal and perfectly fine but obsession is one thing and obsessive disorder is another.

The discrepancy is very difficult to understand but it is there. When you are obsessed with a certain colour, you tend to buy things, apparels, dresses or in extreme cases, even day to day items in that particular color. I can somewhere comprehend this obsession and in fact I can digest an obsession of more than 1 color. But how do I sink in an obsession of all the colors, and an obsession too high?

I know a woman whose name I wouldn't mention, who has this obsession deeply rooted and clinged to her since a long time. She doesn't only love all the colors but want all of them altogether under her control. It's a disorder I am sure. And though I have read a bit of psychology, I couldn't find a disorder of this kind. Yes, there are obsessive disorder but as I observe her each day, her condition far above the mentioned disorder.

I have to, in order to make you understand the seriousness of the situation, tell her age. She is at present somewhere around 75 and she is not very well these days. Though she is healthy as compared to most young people internally but in terms of external organs, its a bit problematic. She doesn't feel like walking or getting out bed which is completely understandable on her part taking into notice her age. But what invokes in me a weird calling is that though she is 'not very well', she doesn't have any issues in changing her clothes 20-30 times a day. Yes, you heard it right, 20-30 each day!! I mean who does that?

According to what colors she comes across throughout her day, I don't know with what logic, she changes her clothes simultaneously. In fact if she is watching TV and an actress with some attractive dress or even any dress catches her eyes, she immediately gets up and inspite of having a swollen hand, changes right away into the same colors she just saw.

I don't know if anyone has ever seen or heard about this kind of disorder , but experiencing it in front of your eyes each day gives a strange feeling. Sometimes, her sudden movement to change clothes even scares me and my wits lose their significance as the situation is indeterminable.

Ample of wealth, lack of success.

"You would never find the cake delicious, unless you have tasted the sour soup."

The importance of something is only valid when you are aware of something that stands as a comparison to it. We can never understand what it is to be successful unless we are aware of what it feels to be a failure.
Failure, I believe is an essential part to be successful.

For an instance, there is a boy I know who has never faced any difficulties in his life and cleared all his obstacles with ease. Family background/business of this boy provides him with an easy, set aback life. He wasn't good with academics. He wasn't enthusiastic about almost anything. The aim of his life was only to spend more and more money. And in spite of being the richest guy amongst his sort, he wasn't successful.
My point in giving this example is that this boy is completely unaware of not only the realities of life but also the aura and vibe of the atmosphere of struggle. He doesn't know what it's like to be a part of failure or to have caused a failure in one or the other part of his life. Since he is completely naïve to this part of life, he looses the opportunity of experiencing the happiness of success.

When you get everything with ease and there are minimum of obstacles splashed in your way, the real meaning of life and the felicity of reaching your goals after a great deal of hard work and determination skips you. I believe that in spite of all the day to day hustles and chaotic lifestyle, one should always be open and welcoming to the hindrances prevalent in its life. Considering it as a part of it, would definitely lead you to reach the ultimate goals destined for you, not only in terms of materiality but also spiritually. And with spirituality I don't mean religious satisfaction or something of that sort, rather I mean an achievement of self - satisfaction within oneself.

Often success is taken in accordance to money making or material benifits earned anyhow. But I personally believe that not all rich and wealthy people can be designated as successful people. Yes, they are rich and they can afford almost anything they want but if they are not educated, or noble in their manners then they aren't successful. The actual achievement is when you, through your hard work and unbreakable determination lead yourself to a place where you used to see yourself few years back.

Ambition, when taken in correct connotations give you the ultimate pleasure to be reaped. Taking always into consideration the contrast of being successful and being optimistic about it makes an atmosphere full of positive vibes, which actually fulfills all your aspired ambitions.
Often people take "ambition" in a very rigid manner and keep a typical sort of attitude towards it. They take failure in negative intentions which breaks the building blocks of the goal they were about to achieve when they were motivated enough about it. These people focus on getting the best 'always' which is not possible if we point only towards humans and are not talking about people from some other planet.

Balance is an inevitable necessity of human life. It's like a teeter-totter in which there is a plank in the middle on which we sit through out our lives and when we tend to move a bit more towards one specific side, things imbalance.

Hey mom, you won't understand...

Love, affection and compassion is prevalent in all relationships, whatsoever they are. But as we talk about relationships another thing which needs consideration is "generation gap".

It's a well known concept defined by each in their own manner. It doesn't have a subjective definition. When we talk about an age gap, the first image that comes into our mind is a gap that prevails between parents and their children, which is because this is the gap which no matter what the situation implies, each one of us face. Now, this parent-child relationship is a very crucial one. Where the children live their lives being care-free and with a constant complaint of not being understood, the parents from the beginning itself live their lives in constant fear. We always blame them for not letting us do what we want and for not letting us have our freedom. Yes, they are scared of losing their child to wrong paths and this is because they have gone through this age and are definitely more experienced. On the other hand, while we live in this generation and are experiencing the day to day hastles, the pressures of peer groups, the never ending competition and the heavy load of studies, it becomes difficult for the parents to understand our situations. Then they come up with a very usual dialogue," we also had a youth, we were also young and we know what it's all about" whereas in real they actually don't know what its all about.

"We've also completed our education but we never used to boast about the  competition."
Here comes another favorite dialogue which becomes an irritating element for those of us who are struggling with their studies each day. The level of competition which we have to deal with is completely beyond their understanding and its not their fault because no matter how much you are aware of the current affairs and the cut offs and the hikes of the universities, you actually don't know anything until you experience it yourself.

Being a teenage myself, I don't prefer to look at this gap in favor of my kinds. I want to throw light upon the issues that our parents face because of this as well. In such a fast paced and self enclosed lives, we tend to forget the difficulties that our parents face and the fear in which they live, the isolation which we have made for them. Time and again we make them realize that they know very little or nothing about us. They want to know a bit more and we focus on hiding a lot more. We have enclosed ourselves in a shell which includes our friends, boyfriend or girlfriend and peer groups. It becomes a big deal for us if anybody says anything about our parents, " Don't you dare utter a word about my mom or dad." It seems so good to speak these words, but if we look at it a bit more closely these words only imply a meaning when we to some extent understand them in terms of our behavior to them as well.

What I believe personally regarding this part of our lives is that we should always maintain a communication level with our parents. Miscommunication always lead to misunderstandings. No issue is that big which could not be solved through communication.

Generation gap does not end with this parent- child relationship, in fact it begins from here. There are different types of generation gaps such as grandparents- parents , grandparents- children, sister-brother. Even a 2 year difference can create a huge gap. But all these relationships requires an altogether different realm of thought, which differs from this very initial generation gap between the parents and their children. 

Pangs of disappointment.

Disappointment, whether it be in love or otherwise brings out a very different kind of emotion- an emotion which doesn't have an explanation. No doubt, its a consequence of expectations or rather high expectations, which is natural and a basic nature of human beings. A question which I frequently ask myself regarding this topic is that from where do these expectations come from? Why do they come? What is the reason behind it.?

Even at times when you try to avoid expecting, somewhere deep down consciously or unconsciously you are expecting. Ignorance again is one of the mainstream path to curiosity. When you tend not to expect certain things from some certain people, the very moment you are expecting.
 When it's about some events, for instance results, most people throw out these dialogues when asked about their expections, " I am not expecting anything" or "I don't know how I did in my exams, so don't ask me about my expections. They are nil." or one of the favorite dialogues, " I did not do well, I am just expecting to get passed this sem". Most of them, or rather all these dialogues aren't in any way true, while speaking them we are secretly expecting some marks according to our performance in the exams. Then another question pops up in my mind.. If we are expecting some marks, then why do we utter these dialogues when asked about expectations? I think and have noticed not only in others but in myself as well, that these have been there and are there only because of a sense of fear and for a requirement of sympathy as well as unexpected appreciation.

Apart from these events, in terms of love, the expectations and their wish of being fulfilled is too high. Time and again we come across the phrase of unconditional love,which I personally believe is a myth. When you love someone, you assuredly expect, if not anything else but at least the same love back from them. Along with this, people expect affection, care and an immense intimation with their partners. All these are expectations which have high fulfilment expectations and when this fulfilment is not achieved, there comes into picture 'pangs of disappointment.'

These disappointments then helps in the strengthening of friendship bonds. One good point about disappointments is that no matter how much you try you can't keep it inside, you need someone to share it with. Then we catch hold of our closest of friends, ask for advice and try to get some sympathy.
It's finely said by Jane Austen that,
"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."
              -Northanger Abbey.